Chet Collins

FBI Agent On Remote Pacific Island Still Investigating January 6 Protesters - Babylon Bee

“I’ve got you now, Lectern Guy,” the as-yet unidentified agent was heard saying as he reviewed the terrifying moment when a lectern was moved twenty feet.

Man Who Drank Coffee And Ate Three Strips Of Bacon Ready To Take On The World - Babylon Bee

According to family members, David was running late for work so he skipped his usual breakfast of sugary cereal fortified with 27 vitamins and minerals. He even skipped his routine cup of healthy orange juice, which led to him ingesting this unusual concoction of caffeine and saturated fat which oddly seemed to power him up for the day.

Major Money Mistake: 5 Reasons Why Food Is The Worst Investment You Can Make - Clickhole

Food has lower return rates than stocks. If you bought Amazon stock in 2000, it’d be 9,000% more valuable today. If you bought dinner in 2000 instead? Odds are, that dinner is currently worth $0.

Who needs chairs?

Single Men Begin Dressing As Illegal Immigrants Hoping Kristi Noem Will Detain Them - Babylon Bee

“He almost got away with it,” said ICE agent Michael Oxner. “The hat, the mustache… that’s what they all look like. It was a foolproof disguise. Unfortunately for him, when our interpreter started to question him in Spanish, he could only respond with the words ‘taco,' ‘burrito,' and ‘chalupa.' That tipped us off. Turns out he only wanted to meet Kristi Noem.”

Volkswagen cancels ID.7 sedan for US - The Verge

But with the Trump administration expected to eliminate EV incentives, Volkswagen is scrapping its plans to bring the ID.7 to North America.

In other words, this is a product that is too expensive and can only be propped up with government support.

People don’t want EVs today, they might in the future, but not today. So maybe we should stop rolling out 7,000 new EV models every year.

‘Scram, Ya Dirty Rats!’ Shouts Tommy Gun-Wielding Melania Chasing Democrats Out Of Town - Babylon Bee

“Youse all got til midnight tonight to pack up and go on the lam, or you’ll be wakin' up to a lead breakfast, ya got it?”

macOS Sequoia 15.3 and iOS 18.3 Enable Apple Intelligence Automatically - MacRumors

For users new or upgrading to iOS 18.3, Apple Intelligence will be enabled automatically during iPhone onboarding.

I don’t like that. 🤖

Biden Issues Last-Minute Pardons to Family Members, Fauci, Ahead of Trump Inauguration - WSJ

“I wonder what criminal activity Biden is concerned they need a pardon from?” said Sen. Ron Johnson

Wow, who knew Joe Biden knew so many corrupt figures.

TikTok Ban Upheld by Supreme Court - WSJ

The Supreme Court unanimously upheld a federal law requiring TikTok’s Chinese owners to sell or shut down the social-media app by Jan. 19, siding with Congress’s national-security concerns over the platform and its users’ claim that the ban violates the First Amendment.

9-0; I hope this poison goes away forever. TikTok’s lawyers never denied the allegation that they were controlled by the CCP.

Biden Says Equal Rights Amendment Is the ‘Law of the Land’ - WSJ

Friday’s statement from the president puts pressure on U.S. Archivist Colleen Shogan, the Constitution’s official custodian. Shogan recently concluded she lacked authority to recognize the ERA’s ratification more than 40 years after a congressionally-set deadline expired.

lol, such courage.

The expiration date on the proposed amendment was 1979. Five states have since voted to rescind their ratification and the 38th state (Virginia), by Biden’s count, ratified this expired proposal in 2020, before he even took office.

Now with three days left on his contract, he acts boldly!!!

I’m now firmly in the camp supporting a severely shortened lame duck period. Inauguration should be 30 days after the vote.

Corporate Security Detail Not Sure Why They Guarding Crock-Pot CEO - The Onion

“A person from the company called in a panic last week and said the CEO needed to ‘beef up’ his security detail, but when we asked what sorts of threats he was facing, they just kept saying he’d ‘made a lot of enemies lately’ and wouldn’t elaborate”

9 References To Trump In The Bible - Babylon Bee

“He was oppressed and afflicted, yet he did not open his mouth.” (Isaiah 53:7)

A reference to the gag order imposed on him during his witch trial.

‘I’m Going to Plot Your Demise for My Entire Workout.’ Gym Regulars Can’t Wait for You to Quit Your Resolution. - WSJ

“She said we should open a chain of pop-up gyms on January 2nd that slowly turn into bars by mid-February,” he said. “The business was called ‘Resolutions.’”

I just ate cheddar cheese rubbed with lavender and espresso.

What a time to be alive.

🧀

Game afternoon with the girls.

🏴‍☠️

It’s hard to beat the local hardware store.

🔧

Snowfall

Trump Becomes First Former President Sentenced for Felony - WSJ

Donald Trump was sentenced Friday to no punishment

True poetry; a non-sentence for a non-crime.

“This defendant has caused enduring damage to the public perception of criminal justice,” Steinglass said.

The prosecutor gets this fact exactly backwards.

What a fantastical waste of prosecutorial resources in a city so dangerous that the state National Guard has to be deployed to the public transit system to maintain order.

But those business records, tho.

The robot vacuum’s work here is done.

🤖