Canopy is awake with lots of birdsong at first light.

Millions of Student-Loan Borrowers to Face Collections - WSJ

The collections process was standard before the pandemic pause. Still, its return is likely to be a strain for borrowers who reoriented their budgets around not paying their loans during the lengthy reprieve.

Your government at work; giving false hope and setting the wrong expectations.

Not Fooling Anyone: This Hippopotamus Is Clearly On Ozempic - Clickhole

The caption on the photo of the newly trimmed and toned hippo claims, “Frisky loves her watermelons and playing in the pond,” but we’re not buying it. There’s no way that a diet of watermelons and an exercise regimen of playing in a pond resulted in nearly 1,000 pounds of fat loss.

With No Pope to Oversee Them, Cardinals Stay Up All Night Playing Goldeneye And Building Pillow Forts - Babylon Bee

But at some point during the funeral proceedings, it dawned on one of the cardinals from Africa that they could really stretch this whole conclave business out as long as possible and get in some great “bro time.”

Actually Grilled Cheese

Gretchen Whitmer Sneaks Into White House Again - Babylon Bee

My people told me I had a meeting, and in comes this person wearing a set of curtains. Like a black ghost. That’s what she looked like. But she wasn’t scary, she was actually very nice. A nice black ghost, whoever she was.

Parenting Experts Share Tips For Talking To Kids About Being Heir To Throne Of Small European Kingdom - The Onion

Discovering their royal birthright as a small European nation’s sovereign can be a rocky period in a child’s life, so it’s important that parents remind them that it’s perfectly normal to be surrounded by a scheming coterie of backstabbing advisors vying for their favor.

Goodnight, Sweet Prince: It’s Time To Move The Software Installer To The Trash - Clickhole

The moment your software successfully downloads is a joyous one, of course, but tinged with sadness, too. For though it means you may finally use your application as you wish, you must first part ways with the one who led you here.

We all love ourselves more than other people, but care more about their opinion than our own.

Marcus Aurelius

Unbelievably gorgeous day.

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First night of the grilling season!

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Dalai Lama Quietly Cancels Scheduled Meeting With JD Vance - Babylon Bee

“His Holiness the Dalai Lama realized he was double-booked,” said a spokesmonk. “He was looking forward to meeting Vice President Vance and hopes to do so someday, but he forgot that he was supposed to go to that one place and meet someone and talk about something. It’s important and has nothing to do with today’s unfortunate news about Pope Francis.”

Daughter’s first tax return.

Pentagon Fires Commander of Greenland Base That Vance Visited - WSJ

“I do not presume to understand current politics, but what I do know is the concerns of the U.S. administration discussed by Vice President Vance on Friday are not reflective of Pituffik Space Base,” Meyers wrote in the email, according to a defense official.

What a dumb thing to say.

do bananas help with restless leg syndrome – Cure For Restless Leg Syndrome

While bananas are a nutritious addition to any diet, relying solely on them for RLS relief might not provide comprehensive results for everyone.

Great copywriting.

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Israelite King Would Just Once Like Prophets To Say God Is Pleased and Everything Is Dandy - Babylon Bee

Prophets are always telling him about droughts or lost battles or that he will die, and it’s not fun, says the king. “Just once, I’d really like God to say I was doing a good job, you know?”

Touching: Amy Coney Barrett Adopts MS-13 Gang Member - Babylon Bee

The 28-year-old Honduras native said he is grateful for the trust and compassion the Barrett family has placed in him. “The only reason I turned to violence — allegedly — was because of a lack of strong authoritative figures in my life,” the newly re-named Jose Barrett said. “I have finally found where I belong — in the home of an upper class white family.”

You May Be Excited About The Switch 2, But Have You Considered Making The ‘Switch 2 Following Jesus’? - Op-Ed By Chet Skatington - Babylon Bee

Switch 2 is 450 bucks and that’s almost as bad as selling your soul to the devil. Jesus will give you all this and more — for free.

5 Times It Was Clear Neil Armstrong Believed He Was Searching For A New Route To India - Clickhole

2. When the rocket was going upward and he kept looking down to Earth saying, “Isn’t it back there?”

Accounts from crew members confirm that as the rocket approached the moon, Armstrong repeatedly said he was pretty sure they were supposed to make a turn, not just go upward. He was also described pointing back toward Earth while insisting he could see the Taj Mahal.