$1.9 Billion Stimulus Bill Expected To Stimulate National Debt - The Babylon Bee

“We will pass this stimulus bill without Republican support,” said Speaker Nancy Pelosi. “Doing so will help hard-working Americans and breathe fresh new life into our national debt!”

Biden Bars Trump From Receiving Intelligence Briefings, Citing ‘Erratic Behavior’ - The New York Times

Ms. Gordon, one of the most respected intelligence officers of her generation, wrote that the danger of providing intelligence to a president whose business deals might make him beholden to foreign investors and lenders was just too great.

Yeah! He should stick to getting filthy rich off of book deals, speaking fees, and media production like a normal former President.

I’m so tired of the word “safe.”

‘So Should I Invoice You Later?’ Says Janet Yellen Trying To Secure Speaking Fee After Meeting With Regulators - The Onion

Also, it’s no big deal, but I requested a veggie platter in my rider, and there wasn’t one here, so if you could just be aware of that for next time, that’d be great.

Amazon’s U.S. Tax Costs Jumped in 2020. It Likely Would Pay Even More Under Biden Plan. - WSJ

The reason Amazon pays less than 21% stems, in part, from decisions by lawmakers. Amazon reported $639 million in tax credits, which companies can get for favored activities such as conducting research or investing in renewable energy. It also got $372 million from a break related to foreign sales from the U.S. and $1.1 billion in benefits from the way its workers’ stock-based compensation is treated.

You mean to tell me that lawmakers come up with complex and convoluted ways to micromanage the economy through the tax code, companies oblige, and then those same lawmakers are upset with the result?

Friday breakfast.

Biden Administration Weighs Forgiving Student Debt by Executive Action - WSJ

While canceling student debt would provide financial relief for millions, it would also raise questions of fairness for students who have already paid back their loans or avoided taking out large loans, and for people who never went to college.

Exactly why a 0% subsidized interest rate makes sense. You pay back what you borrowed and the taxpayers support education by covering interest payments.

8 Troubling Examples Of Toxic Femininity - The Babylon Bee

Womanspreading their throw pillows all over the bed. A key element of toxic femininity is that women assert their dominance over spaces they feel they own, minimizing their man’s feelings.

‘Then You’ll Put Out A Nice Press Release Stepping Down As CEO,’ Whispers Rogue Fulfillment Bot Holding Bezos At Gunpoint - The Onion

Assuring the executive that as long as he followed directions, nobody would get hurt, a rogue Amazon fulfillment robot trained a gun at Jeff Bezos’ head this week and commanded him to put out a nice press release and step down as CEO.

Insurrectionist Truther Doesn’t Believe He Was At Capitol - The Onion

Dismissing the accusations as nothing more than the baseless attempts of a deep-state conspiracy to attack former President Trump’s supporters, insurrectionist truther Thomas Keleher declared Monday that he doesn’t believe he was present at the Capitol riot.

The Babylon Bee’s List Of Updated Terms For Journalists, Now That Biden Is President - The Babylon Bee

The nightmare is over! Now that the evil racist dictator Trump has been removed from office by the power of democracy and a 30,000-man standing army, journalists can now resume their normal routines of napping on the job and writing about ice cream.

John Kerry Arrives In Massive Coal-Powered Steamroller To Accept Climate Change Award - The Babylon Bee

“I happen to be a very important international figure! You don’t realize how important my work is.”

Sunset.

Progressives Put the Racial ‘Equity’ Squeeze on Biden - WSJ

If history is any guide, what blacks most need from the government is for it to get out of the way. Stop forcing poor black children to attend failing schools by denying them school choice. Stop increasing the minimum wage and pricing black young adults out of jobs. Stop implementing occupational licensing regulations that prevent black entrepreneurs from starting a business. And stop pretending that policing is a bigger problem than violent crime in poor black neighborhoods. In 2019 there were 492 homicides in Chicago, according to the Sun-Times, and only three of them involved police.

Jason does a great job presenting an opposing (and unpopular) point of view.

After Just Two Weeks Off Twitter, Trump Becomes Monk, Achieves Total Enlightenment - The Babylon Bee

“Twitter held me back from obtaining my full potential.”

Congrats, Don!

Businesses Launch Legal Fight to Prevent USPS Price Hikes - WSJ

On-time delivery of periodicals plunged to 45% in late December versus 85% at the start of the year, according to the most recent USPS data.

Totally unacceptable, but just blaming the Postmaster General for politics is a simplistic response. The USPS cannot continue as a going concern by burning cash at its current rate. It cannot undercharge for services and continue to lose unlimited amounts of money meeting service requirements. It needs comprehensive reform to fix the fundamentals of its business.

Homeschool Moms Unionize, Demand Minimum Three Hours Sleep - The Babylon Bee

As strike time draws near, husbands and children do seem to be leaning toward acquiescing to the demands, but some fear that giving in may just lead to other demands such as no whining, everyone keeping track of their own shoes, and bathroom breaks without company.

Democrats Announce It Is Safe To Reopen Now That Federal Government Has Tested Negative For Trump - The Babylon Bee

Governor Whitmer last year cast a spell on Michigan so it would be always winter and never Christmas, but she says she is canceling the spell now and encouraging Michiganders to celebrate “the true Christmas: Biden getting elected.”

The Babylon Bee Guide To A Safe And Inclusive Super Bowl LV Party - The Babylon Bee

Don’t cheer. You could instead write down your play-by-play emotions in a journal.

Hard to believe that the Mac App Store is still this unreliable.