Sports Fans To Continue 24-Year-Long Boycott Of WNBA - The Babylon Bee

WNBA players vowed to participate in more protests in an attempt to become relevant. “Whatever social movement comes along, we’re there, as long as it gets us in the news for a fleeting moment,” said one player. “Please acknowledge our existence. Please?”

Nevada Church Avoids Coronavirus Restrictions By Installing Slot Machines - The Babylon Bee

“We put up the slot machines and bam – no more restrictions”

Report: Many Chicagoans Fleeing City For More Peaceful Places Like The Middle East - The Babylon Bee

“Ah, finally, some peace and quiet,” said one man as a bomb exploded down the street near his family’s new home in Damascus.

Fresh cut.

Dozens Gather In MAGA Hats In Hopes Washington Post Will Defame Them So They Can Become Millionaires - The Babylon Bee

After Nick Sandmann settled yet another nine-figure lawsuit today, dozens of people went out in MAGA hats, gathering outside The Washington Post’s offices in hopes that they too would be defamed by the newspaper.

Orioles Sign Dr. Fauci To Improve Bullpen - The Babylon Bee

Dr. Fauci said he was thrilled to become part of the Orioles' organization. His official projection model is that Baltimore will win aproximately 10 million games this season with his help.

‘Trump Might Not Accept The Results Of The 2020 Election,’ Says Movement That Still Hasn’t Accepted Results Of 2016 Election - The Babylon Bee

The party that still believes Al Gore actually won the 2000 election, Hillary won the 2016 election, and Stacey Abrams is actually the governor of Georgia continues to sound the alarm that Trump will destroy our national norms should he cast doubt on the results of the coming presidential race.

I always forget how exhausting it is to design a website from a blank canvas.

A&E Has Lost Half Its Viewers Since Dropping ‘Live PD’ - WSJ

In the key demographics of adults 18-49 and 25-54, the declines are 55% and 53%, respectively.

The actual viewership loss exceeds 500k in prime time.

A Phase-Four Flop - WSJ

Nearly all of this spending is a form of income maintenance, replacing private incomes with government payments. The goal is to keep the public feeling good about the politicians who are writing the checks. But the good feeling will expire when the money runs out, and then people will want either more checks or a stronger economy that is creating private jobs. Even the U.S. can’t borrow forever to replace the incomes lost from a buoyant economy.

China Fortifies Hong Kong’s Role as Financial Powerhouse - WSJ

senior Chinese officials discussed how to integrate Hong Kong with the rest of China, economically as well as politically, without diminishing its role as a global financial center. Their thinking was that the lure and size of the Chinese market would continue to help Hong Kong prosper and draw international investors, even with changes to the legal and political structures that underpinned Hong Kong’s economic freedom.

Stomping on the freedom of Hong Kong just to make a buck. The Chinese really understand Westerners.

New Stimulus Will Just Be Postcards With Positive Affirmations - The Babylon Bee

Senate Democrats say this isn’t enough. They want three cards sent to each American over the next three weeks. Senate Republicans have pointed out that this would cost three times as much as their plan, and people could simply read the same card three times to get the same effect.

Protesters Clarify They’re Only OK With Secret Police In Communist Countries - The Babylon Bee

Several confused bystanders asked for clarification from the protesters sporting Marxist banners and defensive explosive devices when they began decrying the use of secret police against them.

Riot Police Unsure If Their Tear Gas Worked Since Libs Were Already Crying - The Babylon Bee

Riot police used tear gas on the Portland mayor and protesters last night, which is crazy because they were just trying to warm themselves by a harmless fire they started in a federal building.

Religious Orders Call On MLB To Force San Diego Padres To Change Name - EOTT

The letter obtained by EOTT demands the league to stop all use of “Catholic names and depictions,” and specifically asks the Padres in general to “cease all papist caricatures.”