Chet Collins

Sixteen days later, the final box has been opened.

📦

‘Ok, Who Got Me The MAGA Hat?’ Asks Kamala Harris As Jill Biden Stifles Laughter - Babylon Bee

“Merry Christmas, Kamala! Hope that gift brings you joy!”

… the mood at the party had grown even more uncomfortable after Jill Biden opened her present to find a Fisher Price Doctor’s Kit from the vice president’s office.

Civilization VII To Include ‘Bidenomics’ Tech Tree Upgrade Where Inflation Ruins Everything And Eggs Go Up To $12 - Babylon Bee

But now you can intentionally destroy your civilization from within, adding a new element of strategy as you fight yourself for no reason. … When playing as Joe Biden you can dispatch Hunter to other settlements to secure illicit deals, all while your people slowly starve to death.

Newly Discovered Scroll Reveals Fourth Wise Man Who Brought Baby Jesus A Priceless Lego Millennium Falcon - Babylon Bee

“The writer of the scroll, whom we have yet to identify, makes mention of the fact that the Lego Millennium Falcon was worth at least a year’s wages for an average Judean man. Anyone who possessed such a treasure was wealthy indeed.”

At publishing time, scholars disclosed that the scroll went on to tell of how the young Jesus showed early signs of His divinity by putting together the thousands of pieces of the Millennium Falcon by Himself without even looking at the instructions.

Assad Returns To Ophthalmology At Moscow LensCrafters - The Onion

At press time, Assad was threatening the front desk receptionist with sarin gas after she made a mistake with the scheduling software.

Meeting the new neighbors.

Suspicious? Biden Pardons Hunter For Anything He Might Do Tonight Between 2:30 and 4:17 AM Outside The Capitol Heights Applebee’s - Babylon Bee

“I hereby exempt my son from anything that may or may not occur at this very specific time behind the green dumpster outside Applebees,” said Biden to a bust of Teddy Roosevelt he mistook for a reporter.

End of an era.

Seven years ago, the bozos at Equifax had a massive data breach in which the attackers spent weeks in their networks and databases completely undetected.

They hoovered up my information, without compensation or consent, and then left the backdoor open for thieves to steal it all in one fell swoop.

The fine folks at the plaintiffs bar negotiated a settlement that would pay victims up to $125, depending on the size of the claim.

My settlement payment came through this morning: $7.44 on a virtual gift card.

Elon Musk’s Multibillion-Dollar Tesla Pay Package Rejected by Judge Again - WSJ

McCormick said the plaintiff, a Tesla shareholder named Richard Tornetta, was entitled to $345 million in either cash or Tesla shares.

RIP Delaware

Israel Asks Hezbollah To Please Wait By Pagers For Message Announcing Start Of Ceasefire - Babylon Bee

“The print will be very small, so maybe hold the pager close to your face,” suggested Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu. “Hold it with both hands to keep it steady. If you’re concerned you’ll miss the notice, try keeping the pager held tightly against your ear.”

Walking The Walk: Elon Musk Has Fired Himself From The Department Of Government Efficiency For Using Social Media On The Job - Clickhole

“Useless, ineffective federal workers who squander as much of their daily life on social media as I do have no business taking up resources funded by American taxpayers,” continued Musk in a series of posts on X, applauding his own decision to fire himself as a perfect first step towards “draining the D.C. swamp,” as President Trump has vowed.

I hope he land on his feet!

Trump Ally Holds Up Promotion of Army General Involved in Afghanistan Evacuation - WSJ

“What things like that do is create uncertainty,” said a defense official of Trump’s comments. “The bigger worry is the march toward the politicization of the military. Generals are human as well. The more this happens, the more likely they are to react to it. At some point, they are going to conclude that they have to pick sides to keep advancing.”

They’ve been picking political sides for decades.

A general officer’s sole focus should be lethality. Everything else is a wasteful distraction and disrespectful of the millions of men and women who set their personal needs aside in service of the nation and raised their right hands to protect us all.

Take care your people, train them, equip them, and keep the tip of the spear as sharp as geometrically possible. That’s the job.

IRS Enforcement Money Has Unexpected $20 Billion Hole - WSJ

Then, when Congress wrote the stopgap funding bill that is keeping the government open through Dec. 20, that legislation kept the prior year’s language, effectively repeating the $20 billion enforcement cut. Congressional Republicans told the industry publication Tax Notes that this was part of an intentional strategy and that they tried not to call attention to it before it kicked in. 

lol

Target’s Slide From Cheap Chic to Dull Chore - WSJ

Last week, Target’s share price tumbled more than 20% after the company reported another disappointing quarter and executives lowered financial targets they had set in August.

Losers.

Elon Waiting For Black Friday Half-Off Sale So He Can Buy MSNBC For Just $30 - Babylon Bee

“This week is Black Friday. If I can land the opportunity to hold Rachel Maddow’s fate in my hands for a killer deal, I’m here for it.”

Study Shows Most Depression In Men Can Be Solved By Reading Books About The Civil War While Sitting By Roaring Fire In The Study - Babylon Bee

“The effects seemed to have been even more prominent among test subjects who smoked a pipe while reading and occasionally looked up from the book and nodded their heads before continuing.”

Running to serve.

Farewell dinner.

Beautiful, soft light.