Chet Collins

The End Of His Prime: This Man No Longer Has The Fertile Imagination And Boundless Creative Energy To Build His Own Subway Sandwich And Has To Order From The Regular Menu - Clickhole

“Let’s face it, building your own sandwich is a young man’s game, and I’m just not young anymore.”

After Two Weeks With Kamala, Tim Walz Announces He Has Signed Back Up With National Guard And Requested Deployment To Iraq - Babylon Bee

Though leaving the ticket after only two weeks, campaign staffers report that Walz actually set the record for the longest time any person has ever worked with Kamala.

Taliban Holds Parade In Honor Of Kamala’s Achievements In Afghanistan - Babylon Bee

“We could never have become this strong without Kamala Harris,” said Taliban spokesterrorist Hassan Al-Samir. “Though we were once a rag-tag band of goat herders causing trouble in the mountains, we are now a fully equipped military force. Thank you, Joe Biden and Kamala Harris. You helped make us what we are today.”

Ruled By Fear: This Man Irrationally Refuses To Fly Despite There Being Almost Zero Chance He Would Ever Wind Up In A Sixth Plane Crash - Clickhole

Accidents like the five that have befallen Semple are so rare, in fact, that it’s actually far more likely that he’ll be struck by lightning than it is that he’ll once more hear that now-familiar whine of an aircraft he’s on plummeting from the sky.

Taylor Swift Jet Launches Retaliatory Strike On ISIS Stronghold - Babylon Bee

At publishing time, sources revealed Swift had already begun writing an upcoming song to take further revenge on the terrorists.

Can’t Be Good: The Bus Driver Is Currently On A Zoom Call, Not Like A Friend Catch Up Or Anything, Like An All-Hands Meeting For An Entirely Different Job - Clickhole

She just shared her screen to show everyone else a spreadsheet and now she’s going on and on about P functions, which has to be illegal if you’re also driving a bus full of 25 people.

I’ve spent the last four years putting together a pretty awesome knife collection. I’m thinking about challenging myself to carry a different one each day and review it here on my blog.

It’s been a long nine days.

‘We Applaud Caesar For Doing The Right Thing And Stepping Down,’ Says Senator Holding Bloody Knife - Babylon Bee

Cassius and his fellow senator Marcus Junius Brutus, who were both present at a hastily organized retirement party for Caesar, said that the former Emperor who had not been seen for the last six days displayed “true patriotism” in selflessly bowing out.

Activision Announces Release Of ‘Call Of Duty: Moderately Sloped Roof’ - Babylon Bee

“This is the most difficult, extreme campaign we have ever made,” said Masterson. “You have to literally crawl on your tummy up a slight slope and not fall down. Then, you have roughly twenty minutes to line up your shot. I’m light-headed just talking about it.”

Dems Pull Off Successful Insurrection - Babylon Bee

According to sources, Democratic party elites have worked tirelessly to overthrow the candidate chosen by voters, using everything from donation boycotts to blackmail. “It took everything we have, but we have deposed the democratically elected candidate of our party,” said former President Obama proudly. “Democracy has been saved.”

Barack Obama Strikes Again - WSJ Opinion

As No. 2 in the Biden White House, Ms. Harris was in a key position to witness the president’s decline. Yet she too was happy to keep it from the American people. Now she asks them to trust her with the presidency?

Everyone in the room has an obligation to explain their conduct on this point.

Another Coronation for Kamala - WSJ Opinion

Ms. Harris said on Sunday that she intends to “earn” her party’s nomination. That would be a change for a politician who’s floated to the top in a one-party Democratic state with powerful patrons boosting her. The upshot has been that she has neither the substantive record nor the skills that other candidates might.

She has a real shot at winning in November, but her soup-to-nuts uncontested ascent poses very real risks.

Splish, splash

‘Let’s Settle This At The Ballot Box,’ Says Party That Tried To Kick Trump Off Ballots - Babylon Bee

“Let me be perfectly clear,” said President Biden. “The idea that political violence, look, this is America, and there is no place for semi-assault, automatic weapons in our – well, anyway. In November, we will sort things out at the battle box!”

Goliath Claims He Only Lost Because He Fought David On Slightly Sloped Surface - Babylon Bee

According to the scroll, the Israelites were quick to point out that the hill David was standing on only had a five-degree slope. The Philistines, however, vehemently maintained that it wasn’t a fair fight because it violated safety rules for Goliath to try to fight on any sort of inclined terrain.

At publishing time, another portion of the scroll revealed Goliath explaining that he was just one quick head turn away from David’s sling causing nothing but a scratched ear.

Quarantining the Conspiracy Swamps - WSJ Opinion

Mr. Biden was employing a metaphor, however inapt given our current political distemper. He wasn’t giving orders to anyone to shoot Mr. Trump, and if he wanted to do so he wouldn’t do it in public. Mr. Collins is among those who think Mr. Biden lacks the mental acuity to be President, but he then accuses him of masterminding a conspiracy.

The Shooting of Donald Trump - WSJ Opinion

The near assassination of Donald Trump could be a moment that catalyzes more hatred and an even worse cycle of violence. If that is how it goes, God help us.

Or it could be a redemptive moment that leads to introspection and political debate that is fierce but not cast as Armageddon. The country was spared the worst on Saturday and this is a chance to pull out of a partisan death spiral. That is the leadership Americans are desperate to see.

Dinner in a food hall