Chet Collins

‘We Applaud Caesar For Doing The Right Thing And Stepping Down,’ Says Senator Holding Bloody Knife - Babylon Bee

Cassius and his fellow senator Marcus Junius Brutus, who were both present at a hastily organized retirement party for Caesar, said that the former Emperor who had not been seen for the last six days displayed “true patriotism” in selflessly bowing out.

Activision Announces Release Of ‘Call Of Duty: Moderately Sloped Roof’ - Babylon Bee

“This is the most difficult, extreme campaign we have ever made,” said Masterson. “You have to literally crawl on your tummy up a slight slope and not fall down. Then, you have roughly twenty minutes to line up your shot. I’m light-headed just talking about it.”

Dems Pull Off Successful Insurrection - Babylon Bee

According to sources, Democratic party elites have worked tirelessly to overthrow the candidate chosen by voters, using everything from donation boycotts to blackmail. “It took everything we have, but we have deposed the democratically elected candidate of our party,” said former President Obama proudly. “Democracy has been saved.”

Barack Obama Strikes Again - WSJ Opinion

As No. 2 in the Biden White House, Ms. Harris was in a key position to witness the president’s decline. Yet she too was happy to keep it from the American people. Now she asks them to trust her with the presidency?

Everyone in the room has an obligation to explain their conduct on this point.

Another Coronation for Kamala - WSJ Opinion

Ms. Harris said on Sunday that she intends to “earn” her party’s nomination. That would be a change for a politician who’s floated to the top in a one-party Democratic state with powerful patrons boosting her. The upshot has been that she has neither the substantive record nor the skills that other candidates might.

She has a real shot at winning in November, but her soup-to-nuts uncontested ascent poses very real risks.

Splish, splash

‘Let’s Settle This At The Ballot Box,’ Says Party That Tried To Kick Trump Off Ballots - Babylon Bee

“Let me be perfectly clear,” said President Biden. “The idea that political violence, look, this is America, and there is no place for semi-assault, automatic weapons in our – well, anyway. In November, we will sort things out at the battle box!”

Goliath Claims He Only Lost Because He Fought David On Slightly Sloped Surface - Babylon Bee

According to the scroll, the Israelites were quick to point out that the hill David was standing on only had a five-degree slope. The Philistines, however, vehemently maintained that it wasn’t a fair fight because it violated safety rules for Goliath to try to fight on any sort of inclined terrain.

At publishing time, another portion of the scroll revealed Goliath explaining that he was just one quick head turn away from David’s sling causing nothing but a scratched ear.