Absentminded Joe Biden Accidentally Mails Stimulus Checks To Defense Contractors Instead Of Americans - The Babylon Bee

Biden quickly called the defense contractors to get the checks returned, but it was too late, as they had already cashed them, purchased a bunch of bombs, and shipped them over to the Middle East to get dropped on Syria.

Three Republicans Thrown Into Fiery Furnace For Not Bowing Down To Trump Statue - The Babylon Bee

At publishing time, Republicans were shocked to see a fourth man standing in the fire with them: Mike Pence.

Biden Clarifies That Stimulus Checks Are ‘Just An Idea’ - The Babylon Bee

They’re more of a metaphor. You might say the real stimulus checks were just the countries we bombed along the way, Jack. The real stimulus checks, ya see, they were inside us all along.

Ben Shapiro Honors Year Of Jubilee, Frees All Of The Libs He’s Owned - The Babylon Bee

It’s a hard practice to obey, but when we understand the mercy of God, we can’t help but act in obedience and pass that mercy on to others.

The U.S. Air Force Just Admitted The F-35 Stealth Fighter Has Failed - Forbes

Instead of ordering fresh F-16s, he said, the Air Force should initiate a “clean-sheet design” for a new low-end fighter.

The only thing in need of a “clean-sheet design” is the byzantine military acquisition structure that wastes so much taxpayer money. We have B-52s and KC-135s built in the 60s that are projected to keep flying for decades.

The whipsaw decision making between administrations and a lack of budgetary stability from Congress may be a top 3 national security threat facing our Nation.

Canceled F-35 Fighter Gets New Job At The Daily Wire - The Babylon Bee

“We are disgusted by the canceling of the F-35, one of the coolest planes ever made,” said god-king Jeremy Boreing of The Daily Wire

Stalk.

Lots of happy people in my house today.

United Airlines Unveils New Environmentally Friendly Single-Engine Boeing 777 - The Babylon Bee

There was no emergency– this was all planned in advance. We wanted to illustrate that the 777 Eco is symbolically blowing up the concept of twin-engine airliners and that we’re sprinkling the city with the symbolic shrapnel of lower emissions!

Spirit Who Caught Typhus En Route To Siege Of Antioch Figures It Simpler Just To Say He Died In The Crusades - The Onion

At press time, Brictric was rapidly backpedaling after an enthusiastic Flemish cavalryman who had been immolated in a torrent of hot oil at Antioch asked which brigade he served in.

El Chapo’s Wife Arrested On Drug Charges Exactly As Planned - The Onion

read a statement released by the U.S. Justice Department, unaware that they had just set the wheels in motion of an intricate plot planned months earlier by the married duo, placing one foot ever-so-firmly into a trap that would leave the entire federal government reeling at their own failure to see what was coming.

Texas Grapples With Crushing Power Bills After Freeze - WSJ

They are offered an array of options, ranging from fixed-price long-term contracts to contracts that track the hourly fluctuations of the wholesale market.

An extreme situation, but going with a variable power rate plan is an implicit gamble.

Ford CEO Launches Electric Vehicle Push By Having Buddy Stand Watch While He Steals Battery From Parked Prius - The Onion

At press time, Ford had walked back its climate plans indefinitely after the Prius’s owner appeared out of a nearby apartment building with a baseball bat, sending Farley and his friend scattering down the block.

‘Get Me On The First Flight Outta Here’ Says John Cornyn In Hoodie, Sunglasses Banging On Bahamas Airport Desk - The Onion

Avoiding eye contact as he glanced around with clear discomfort, a hoodie- and sunglasses-wearing Sen. John Cornyn (R-TX) slammed his fist on a counter and told a Nassau Airport clerk to just shut up and get him on the first flight out of the Bahamas, sources confirmed Friday.

Help Is On The Way: John Kerry Personally Warms Texas By Flying Private Jet Around - The Babylon Bee

The Gulfstream, which emits 40 times more carbon than a commercial jetliner, lowered its altitude, belching out a trail of greenhouse gasses above the inoperable field of turbines.