Chet Collins

Teachers Union Opposes Vaccine As It Might Force Teachers To Teach Again - The Babylon Bee

“We’re afraid that if the pandemic ends, people will think it’s once again okay to impose a grueling five-day-a-week, nine-months-a-year work schedule on teachers who frankly have better things to do.”

Brilliant Trump Annexes Greenland, Grants It 271 Electoral Votes - The Babylon Bee

When confronted with the fact that nobody in Greenland was able to vote in the recent election, Trump quickly produced a thumb drive from a Dominion voting machine showing he had received 183% of the vote in the previously autonomous territory. He then appointed a Greenland election official to quickly certify the vote before anyone could argue about it and ruin the whole thing. 

Immediately After Moving To Texas, Elon Musk Announces Tesla AR-15 - The Babylon Bee

The new firearm will look similar to a standard AR-15 but will in fact be a battery-powered railgun capable of firing 3 million rounds per minute.

Texas Governor Announces Cowboy Hat Mandate - The Babylon Bee

With this bill, anyone seen out in public without a cowboy hat will be approached by a Texas Ranger, who will say, “You ain’t from around here, are ya?” before tossing the offender across the state line.

Beautiful morning.

WhatsApp Protests Apple’s App Store Privacy Requirements - MacRumors

WhatsApp, which is owned by Facebook

All you need to know.

Idiot Family Gets Puppy - The Babylon Bee

“Yeah, I was a bit cautious, but I think our kids are responsible enough to handle it,” said Jack Flenderson, the hopeful father who was about to spend the next 14 years of his life being the sole caretaker of the dog since his kids were definitely not responsible enough to handle it.

Newsom Issues Double Stay-at-Home Order Where You Have To Stay In A Smaller House Inside Your Original House - The Babylon Bee

If staying home makes you safe, then staying inside an even smaller home inside that home would make you double-safe.

Oof. I hate seeing websites with my ad blockers turned off.

Hard to stay on top of YNAB during a move.

Nothing beats a fixed blade for unpacking boxes.

📦

DMV: “Hey, Chet, please come 90 minutes early to your appointment and we can get you taken care of!”

Arrives when asked. Waits in waiting room for 90 minutes. Appointment time arrives.

DMV: “Okay, your turn.”

At the DMV.

Several signs posted in the waiting room advising that disruptive behavior or making threats may result in arrest.

Not a surprise.

138,000 Kids Suddenly Added To Santa's Nice List In Middle Of Night - The Babylon Bee

After sorting kids according to their niceness or naughtiness for hours, Santa had abruptly stopped counting and gone to bed, saying he was tired and taking a break for the night, even though he is magical and does not need to sleep. A team of unsupervised elves reportedly continued the counting against North Pole guidelines, and around 3 a.m. there was a sudden dump of over 138,000 kids put on the nice list. The software also switched kids over from the naughty to the nice list at random.

A Touching Gesture: Kamala Harris Just Sent Joe Biden 17 Get Well Soon Puppies - The Babylon Bee

She’s really thought of everything! Keep reading The Babylon Bee for tough coverage of her favorite Thanksgiving recipes and what kind of shoes she’s wearing!

Trump Plans To Upstage Biden Inauguration By Jumping The Grand Canyon In A Rocket Car - The Babylon Bee

Trump says he is going to be a “Good Knievel” and do the stunt perfectly.

2020 Rated Worst Year Ever, Provided You Never Lived At Any Other Time In History | The Babylon Bee

While we understand it hasn’t been easy, we also found very few instances of Viking raids, Black Plague, famine, world war, using rotary telephones, needing to look things up in a physical dictionary, slavery, people being burned at the stake, walking miles to school, living in caves, sleeping on the ground, ice ages, Nazi holocausts, civil war, infant mortality, global floods, ethnic cleansing, using leaves as toilet paper, using leeches as medicine, using wooden mallets as an anesthetic, fighting wild saber-tooth tigers, cannibalism, occupation by the Persian Empire…