Chet Collins

Congress Finally Reaches Stimulus Agreement: Every American Will Receive A Coupon For $5 Off At Applebee’s - The Babylon Bee

In addition to bailouts, money for pet projects, and payouts to unions, Congress has authorized a very special $5 off coupon to Applebee’s.

I prefer Chili’s.

Got the last box unpacked.

📦

Apple wants you to believe that they are a great, moral company. Simply not true. Dozens of gifs of Trump, even some of him in drag. Zero of Xi Jinping.

If they bowed any further to China, they’d lose their balance and fall over.

Report: LeBron James To Be Appointed As Ambassador To China - The Babylon Bee

Colin Kaepernick was also floated but ultimately didn’t get picked.

Boom, roasted!

Infographic: The Journalists’ Guide To Reporting On Politicians - The Babylon Bee

researchers say they are close to making a breakthrough on triple standards

Infographics by the Bee are always great.

Experts Warn Further Lockdowns Could Result In More Taylor Swift Albums - The Babylon Bee

“The data is clear: we must end the lockdowns to prevent this from happening.”

Agree.

It’s a two cup of coffee kind of day.

☕️

Dad Excited To See What He Got His Kids For Christmas - The Babylon Bee

“Oh man, I hope it’s a LEGO set,” he said as he shook a box under the tree labeled “To: Aiden, From: Dad.”

Apple Prototyped Hundreds of AirPods Max Designs, Says Smart Case is Designed for Storage Efficiency - MacRumors

Whang, who apparently oversaw design of the case, said that while many headphones come with a large, cumbersome case, the Smart Case was designed to be storage efficient.

The worst sort of hubris, all too typical of Apple. They are wholly incapable of admitting when they make a mistake.

The emperor has no clothes.

Joel Osteen Releases New Book ‘Live Your Best Life Now By Taking Millions In Small Business Aid From The Government’ - The Babylon Bee

The book will teach Christians to name and claim up to $4 million in small business aid, allowing them to use their positive mental energy to redirect the loans from businesses who desperately need it to their own lives and ministries.

Seattle Announces Reverse Purge Where One Night A Year Laws Will Be Enforced - The Babylon Bee

one special day every year where laws against things like stealing, killing, and urinating in public libraries will actually be enforced by real police officers

A busy day around the outside of the house.

🧰

Man Chokes In Restaurant, Dr. Jill Biden Springs Into Action To Deliver Educational Lecture - The Babylon Bee

“Thank you for having me here today,” Dr. Jill Biden said as the bewildered choking man tried to call for a “real doctor,” since he was obviously a misogynistic bigot.

Old, Failed Idea Repackaged As New, Progressive Idea - The Babylon Bee

“Wow! This will solve everything!” said an enthusiastic young liberal about an idea proven by history to make everything worse.

Final Appeal: Trump Pens Letter To Santa Asking Him To Overturn Biden’s Win - The Babylon Bee

I have been a good boy all year long. Many people are saying that anyway. I made peace in the Middle East, got a vaccine delivered in RECORD time, and even helped Melania in her garden.

Chinese Spy Assigned To Date Eric Swalwell Begs To Be Sent To Labor Camp Instead - The Babylon Bee

“It’s cruel and unusual punishment. Which, I guess, is allowed here, but still. It’s not a good look,” she said. An international human rights board agreed, putting pressure on the Chinese government to stop forcing spies to date Eric Swalwell and other U.S. congressmen.

Man Selflessly Offers To Let Rest Of Country Try Vaccine First - The Babylon Bee

Johnston had initially planned to receive the shot after watching Governor Cuomo’s Oscar-worthy performance pleading for the public to get the vaccine. However, Johnston was dissuaded when he watched a replay of Cuomo destroying the vaccine’s credibility in an Emmy winning performance just three weeks prior.

Homeowner Frantically Makes Figgy Pudding To Get Rid Of Carolers - The Babylon Bee

Neighbors say that as of 1 am, the carolers are on their 427th round of “We Wish You A Merry Christmas” and have promised to stay in place until they get some figgy pudding.

Sad!