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Nice try.

Was about to sign up for a trial of Harry’s razors, only to find out they wanted me to kick in $3 for shipping.

No thanks.

Uber Eats Introduces Food Bazooka For Contactless Deliveries - The Babylon Bee

DoorDash will soon be introducing heavy food artillery so they can just blast your meal in the general direction of your house from miles away.

CNN Replaces President Trump’s Press Briefings With President Xi’s - The Babylon Bee

Now, instead of rewriting Chinese press briefings for an American audience, CNN can just air the communist country’s propaganda directly, getting hours' worth of free content to broadcast to empty airports and hotel lobbies.

Socialism Victory! Workers No Longer Being Exploited Thanks To High Unemployment - The Babylon Bee

Over twenty million people in April alone stopped being mistreated by capitalists in the evil capitalist creation called a “job.” Even more are expected to escape this shackle in May.

Amazon Introduces New Camouflaged Boxes So Your Spouse Won’t Find Out You Ordered More Stuff On Amazon - The Babylon Bee

if your spouse discovers the box before you have the chance to sneak it inside and stash it in the closet or garage, your next order is on them.

April showers bring May flowers. 🌧

Made it through yesterday with zero minutes of screen time with the kids.

Let’s see if we can pull it off two days in a row.

📺

Texans Put ‘Welcome To Texas’ Signs Around Oklahoma So Californians Will Move There Instead - The Babylon Bee

Clever Texans have implemented a new strategy to stop Californians from fleeing their terrible state and ruining Texas with the same policies.

Thanks, Mom. 💐

Ready for a backyard camp out under the stars. 🏕

Accidentally made my coffee with unsalted butter and now my day is ruined.

☕️

Demand for Small Business Loans Cools - WSJ

the likely biggest reason for the slowdown is that many business owners have concluded that the SBA’s Paycheck Protection Program simply doesn’t meet their needs

Bad idea from the start.

The Pandemic Has Made Sudden Heroes of the Tech Companies—For Now - WSJ

These mandatory shut-ins appear to have made us more enamored of the very same tech platforms users very recently loved to hate.

No effect on me. Still do not trust.

A podcast that I subscribe to just announced that they’re available exclusively on Spotify.

I won’t be following them over there. That kind of decision should not be rewarded.