Chet Collins

Newly Discovered Scroll Reveals Fourth Wise Man Who Brought Baby Jesus A Priceless Lego Millennium Falcon - Babylon Bee

“The writer of the scroll, whom we have yet to identify, makes mention of the fact that the Lego Millennium Falcon was worth at least a year’s wages for an average Judean man. Anyone who possessed such a treasure was wealthy indeed.”

At publishing time, scholars disclosed that the scroll went on to tell of how the young Jesus showed early signs of His divinity by putting together the thousands of pieces of the Millennium Falcon by Himself without even looking at the instructions.

Assad Returns To Ophthalmology At Moscow LensCrafters - The Onion

At press time, Assad was threatening the front desk receptionist with sarin gas after she made a mistake with the scheduling software.

Meeting the new neighbors.

Suspicious? Biden Pardons Hunter For Anything He Might Do Tonight Between 2:30 and 4:17 AM Outside The Capitol Heights Applebee’s - Babylon Bee

“I hereby exempt my son from anything that may or may not occur at this very specific time behind the green dumpster outside Applebees,” said Biden to a bust of Teddy Roosevelt he mistook for a reporter.

End of an era.

Seven years ago, the bozos at Equifax had a massive data breach in which the attackers spent weeks in their networks and databases completely undetected.

They hoovered up my information, without compensation or consent, and then left the backdoor open for thieves to steal it all in one fell swoop.

The fine folks at the plaintiffs bar negotiated a settlement that would pay victims up to $125, depending on the size of the claim.

My settlement payment came through this morning: $7.44 on a virtual gift card.

Elon Musk’s Multibillion-Dollar Tesla Pay Package Rejected by Judge Again - WSJ

McCormick said the plaintiff, a Tesla shareholder named Richard Tornetta, was entitled to $345 million in either cash or Tesla shares.

RIP Delaware

Israel Asks Hezbollah To Please Wait By Pagers For Message Announcing Start Of Ceasefire - Babylon Bee

“The print will be very small, so maybe hold the pager close to your face,” suggested Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu. “Hold it with both hands to keep it steady. If you’re concerned you’ll miss the notice, try keeping the pager held tightly against your ear.”

Walking The Walk: Elon Musk Has Fired Himself From The Department Of Government Efficiency For Using Social Media On The Job - Clickhole

“Useless, ineffective federal workers who squander as much of their daily life on social media as I do have no business taking up resources funded by American taxpayers,” continued Musk in a series of posts on X, applauding his own decision to fire himself as a perfect first step towards “draining the D.C. swamp,” as President Trump has vowed.

I hope he land on his feet!

Trump Ally Holds Up Promotion of Army General Involved in Afghanistan Evacuation - WSJ

“What things like that do is create uncertainty,” said a defense official of Trump’s comments. “The bigger worry is the march toward the politicization of the military. Generals are human as well. The more this happens, the more likely they are to react to it. At some point, they are going to conclude that they have to pick sides to keep advancing.”

They’ve been picking political sides for decades.

A general officer’s sole focus should be lethality. Everything else is a wasteful distraction and disrespectful of the millions of men and women who set their personal needs aside in service of the nation and raised their right hands to protect us all.

Take care your people, train them, equip them, and keep the tip of the spear as sharp as geometrically possible. That’s the job.

IRS Enforcement Money Has Unexpected $20 Billion Hole - WSJ

Then, when Congress wrote the stopgap funding bill that is keeping the government open through Dec. 20, that legislation kept the prior year’s language, effectively repeating the $20 billion enforcement cut. Congressional Republicans told the industry publication Tax Notes that this was part of an intentional strategy and that they tried not to call attention to it before it kicked in. 

lol

Target’s Slide From Cheap Chic to Dull Chore - WSJ

Last week, Target’s share price tumbled more than 20% after the company reported another disappointing quarter and executives lowered financial targets they had set in August.

Losers.

Elon Waiting For Black Friday Half-Off Sale So He Can Buy MSNBC For Just $30 - Babylon Bee

“This week is Black Friday. If I can land the opportunity to hold Rachel Maddow’s fate in my hands for a killer deal, I’m here for it.”

Study Shows Most Depression In Men Can Be Solved By Reading Books About The Civil War While Sitting By Roaring Fire In The Study - Babylon Bee

“The effects seemed to have been even more prominent among test subjects who smoked a pipe while reading and occasionally looked up from the book and nodded their heads before continuing.”

Running to serve.

Farewell dinner.

Beautiful, soft light.

Battlefield Game Changer: Biden Just Approved The Use Of Weaponized Guilt In Ukraine - Clickhole

With Kyiv now free to manipulate Moscow emotionally using feelings of guilt and shame on the battlefield, there’s no doubt Russian forces will soon begin to suffer the low self-esteem, depression, and feelings of powerlessness that go along with being the victim of weaponized guilt. Russia is undoubtedly going to need some pretty powerful self help books and therapists to counter the effects of this new tool in Ukraine’s arsenal.

Uh-Oh: Biden Authorizes Ukraine To Use Holy Hand Grenade Against Russia - Babylon Bee

With time in his presidency running short, Biden has announced authorization for Ukraine to use long-range American missile, anti-personnel mines, and now the Holy Hand Grenade.

Keep your head on a swivel for any white rabbits.

How Spirit Airlines Went From Industry Maverick to Chapter 11 Bankruptcy - WSJ

The Justice Department disagreed, arguing the best way to promote airline competition would be to leave Spirit alone.

Lawyers for the government said that most of Spirit’s problems were temporary and that it would quickly get back on track to resume its rapid expansion.

…

Representatives from the Justice Department declined to comment on Spirit’s bankruptcy.

The Hosts of MSNBC’s ‘Morning Joe’ Changed Their Tune on Trump—Again - WSJ

A person close to NBC saw the move as a way for the “Morning Joe” pair to stay relevant ahead of a second Trump administration.

MSNBC has made strides in the ratings in the past few years and beat CNN on election night, but its viewership has fallen off since then. “Morning Joe” ratings for Nov. 6 to Nov. 14 were down 22% from the program’s average of more than one million viewers for the year through Nov. 5, according to Nielsen data. 

Incredible what a 22% drop in viewership will do to a broadcast journalist. I guess their hyperbolic coverage of the election wasn’t what they really believed; they were just doing it for the eyeballs.