Chet Collins

Entering His A-List Socialite Era: Joe Biden Just Renamed Hunter ‘Parfait' - Clickhole

Biden went to the courthouse and legally changed his son’s name to “Parfait,” a name that reportedly came to him “while eating a parfait.”

How Was I Supposed To Know ‘Business Casual’ Didn’t Include An Authentic 101st Airborne Paratrooper’s Uniform? - Babylon Bee

They say “dress for the job you want,” and you do that just one time, and all of a sudden security is tackling you and yelling, “That guy has a grenade!”

Husband Holds Up ‘False’ Paddle During Argument With Wife - Babylon Bee

As his wife continued nagging him about all his faults, the solitary paddle bobbed up and down at specific moments during her tirade to speak for the silent man who couldn’t get a word in edgewise.

Stormy meadow.

U.S. Pauses All Military Aid to Ukraine, White House Says - WSJ

“The president has been clear that he is focused on peace. We need our partners to be committed to that goal as well. We are pausing and reviewing our aid to ensure that it is contributing to a solution,” a White House official said in a statement.

Strong agree. The Ukrainians need to learn a lesson from their peace-loving counterparties who serve mostly peacefully with their North Korean-augmented infantry and Iranian drones striking hospitals and civilian infrastructure.

A senior administration official said all of Trump’s top national security advisers agreed with the decision to pause the aid after several meetings on the issue.

The smartest guys in the room.

Russia invades, takes 20% of the country, commits atrocities, and we’re concerned about the degree of Ukrainian gratitude?

This is not a winning strategy. This is Saigon II: Trump Edition.

Not making Vance or Rubio look too intelligent, either.

Who’s Afraid of Medicaid Reform? - WSJ Opinion

Nearly half of the states have received federal permission to spend Medicaid dollars on housing, and a dozen have for food. What are federal low-income housing vouchers and food stamps for again?

Mr. Biden’s HHS even blessed California’s plan to spend federal Medicaid dollars on “activity stipends” for art and music lessons for children and club sports. Oregon is tapping Medicaid to pay for cooking classes, air conditioners and mini-refrigerators. Some Republican states have joined this all-you-can-spend Medicaid buffet.

The Washington Post’s Freedom Turn - WSJ Opinion

As for our discerning readers, our respectful counsel is: Accept no substitutes. Sample the competition but come back for the real thing.

That made me laugh.

Steep Drop in Credit Scores Hits Student-Loan Borrowers - WSJ

Garcia, the California nurse, said she didn’t resume making payments because she had applied for a program that lowers payments based on income. The program, SAVE, was created under the Biden administration and is being challenged in courts.

The government is very good at helping people.

House Hunters Episode Derailed After BlackRock Buys All 3 Properties - Babylon Bee

We were getting ready to present our featured couple with their three options, but at the last moment, we were notified that BlackRock had purchased all three properties and would never allow them to hit the market again.

U.S. to Hit Chinese Ships With Hefty Port Fees - WSJ

The proposal also mandates that a certain amount of U.S. exports are moved on U.S.-flagged and U.S.-built vessels. It seeks to restrict 1% of U.S. exports this year to vessels run by U.S. operators. The restriction would increase over time so that in seven years, 15% of exports would need to move on U.S.-flagged vessels, including 5% on U.S.-built vessels.

So many bad ideas.

Birds, squirrels, and now deer. Everyone loves seeds!

Russia Wants to Erase Ukraine’s Future—and Its Past - WSJ

“The big war started with an essay on history, and the guy who wrote that essay is still running the show,” said Serhii Plokhy, director of the Ukrainian Research Institute at Harvard. “So the idea that this is all about territory and that you have to make a deal, somehow drawing the border in the right place…is based on not understanding what this war is about.”

It’s easy to forget that smoke detectors expire after 10 years. The ones in the new house were 23 years old. Yikes!

A Leatherman and 5-7 minutes per unit was all it took to swap the wiring harness and keep the family safe.

🚒

Trump Proposes Two Golf-Course Solution For Gaza - Babylon Bee

No one’s going to want to fight anymore when they could be driving balls down the fairway. We’re even going to have a gift shop that sells little bumper stickers that say, ‘I’d rather be golfing.’

Trump Fires Top Pentagon Officers in Sweeping Overhaul - WSJ

the moves caused shock waves in the armed forces and Congress and raise questions about Trump’s attempts to assert control over the Pentagon leadership after clashing with it repeatedly during his first term. 

Pretty shocking that the Executive branch, which holds authority over a civilian-led military, would assert control over said military.

Scrub-a-dub

🚙🧽🫧

Compassionate, Merciful U.S. Lets Canada Win One - Babylon Bee

The Americans collectively decided that they had had enough winning and wanted to let their downtrodden neighbors to the north pick up a rare victory.

American values 🇺🇸

Trump Is Planning to Take Control of the Postal Service, Officials Say - WSJ

“The U.S. Postal Service is wildly popular with the American people, and its service is essential and irreplaceable,” said Rep. Don Beyer (D., Va.)

“Wildly popular?” I don’t know about all that.

The last box is empty.

📦

Object Left On Stairs Begins Weeks-Long Migration To Bedroom - Babylon Bee

Experts say the migration could take anywhere between 2 days and 6 years.

There are dentists on every corner and they’re all equally impossible to get in with.