Mastery at work.

Jake Tapper Uncovers Startling Evidence That Biden’s Decline Was Covered Up By Jake Tapper - Babylon Bee

The bombshell report was detailed in a new book by Jake Tapper. It chronicles years of egregious cover-ups and collusion between the White House and a cooperative and corrupt press, including several newly leaked conversations between aides about putting Biden in a wheelchair for his second term. At the center of the scandal, it appears, is someone named Jake Tapper.

Sad: AOC Unable To Obtain Real ID Because She Died On Jan 6 And Is A Ghost - Babylon Bee

“It’s not fair that only ‘living people' are eligible to obtain these Real IDs, while people like me and millions of other Democratic voters are barred from getting them due to the simple fact that we’re dead. Prejudice is alive and well in America, even though I am not.”

The Bee Explains: How A Conclave Works - Babylon Bee

How are the votes cast?

Each Cardinal places their red hat on the head of their pope of choice. Once the stack of hats on someone’s head reaches the ceiling of the Sistine chapel, that man is declared Pope.

Trump Promises To Negotiate Peace In India As Soon As They Take Him Off Hold - Babylon Bee

“They assure me my call is very important to them,” said Trump, still waiting. “That guy who placed me on hold, was it Kevin? It didn’t sound like a ‘Kevin’, to be honest. I told him it concerned nuclear war, and then he said he would need to talk to his manager and asked if I could hold. I like this music, I really do, very good beat. But it’s really a long hold, and I don’t think Kevin is going to be getting a good survey at the end of this phone call, I’ll tell you that.”

Canopy is awake with lots of birdsong at first light.

Millions of Student-Loan Borrowers to Face Collections - WSJ

The collections process was standard before the pandemic pause. Still, its return is likely to be a strain for borrowers who reoriented their budgets around not paying their loans during the lengthy reprieve.

Your government at work; giving false hope and setting the wrong expectations.

Not Fooling Anyone: This Hippopotamus Is Clearly On Ozempic - Clickhole

The caption on the photo of the newly trimmed and toned hippo claims, “Frisky loves her watermelons and playing in the pond,” but we’re not buying it. There’s no way that a diet of watermelons and an exercise regimen of playing in a pond resulted in nearly 1,000 pounds of fat loss.

With No Pope to Oversee Them, Cardinals Stay Up All Night Playing Goldeneye And Building Pillow Forts - Babylon Bee

But at some point during the funeral proceedings, it dawned on one of the cardinals from Africa that they could really stretch this whole conclave business out as long as possible and get in some great “bro time.”

Actually Grilled Cheese

Gretchen Whitmer Sneaks Into White House Again - Babylon Bee

My people told me I had a meeting, and in comes this person wearing a set of curtains. Like a black ghost. That’s what she looked like. But she wasn’t scary, she was actually very nice. A nice black ghost, whoever she was.

Parenting Experts Share Tips For Talking To Kids About Being Heir To Throne Of Small European Kingdom - The Onion

Discovering their royal birthright as a small European nation’s sovereign can be a rocky period in a child’s life, so it’s important that parents remind them that it’s perfectly normal to be surrounded by a scheming coterie of backstabbing advisors vying for their favor.

Goodnight, Sweet Prince: It’s Time To Move The Software Installer To The Trash - Clickhole

The moment your software successfully downloads is a joyous one, of course, but tinged with sadness, too. For though it means you may finally use your application as you wish, you must first part ways with the one who led you here.

We all love ourselves more than other people, but care more about their opinion than our own.

Marcus Aurelius

Unbelievably gorgeous day.

☀️

First night of the grilling season!

🍔

Dalai Lama Quietly Cancels Scheduled Meeting With JD Vance - Babylon Bee

“His Holiness the Dalai Lama realized he was double-booked,” said a spokesmonk. “He was looking forward to meeting Vice President Vance and hopes to do so someday, but he forgot that he was supposed to go to that one place and meet someone and talk about something. It’s important and has nothing to do with today’s unfortunate news about Pope Francis.”

Daughter’s first tax return.

Pentagon Fires Commander of Greenland Base That Vance Visited - WSJ

“I do not presume to understand current politics, but what I do know is the concerns of the U.S. administration discussed by Vice President Vance on Friday are not reflective of Pituffik Space Base,” Meyers wrote in the email, according to a defense official.

What a dumb thing to say.