Chet Collins

Saturdays are for errands & cleaning.

🧺

End of an era.

Philanthropy FTW! The Bill & Melinda Gates Foundation Just Distributed 5,000 ‘Caution Wet Floor’ Signs To Some Of The Slipperiest Places In The World - Clickhole

the Gates Foundation has made it their mission to “slash global slipping rates in half, if not eradicate slipping entirely”—a cause inspired by Bill’s own experience slipping on a waxed floor at Microsoft headquarters while running towards a computer he wanted to turn on.

Study: Crows Intelligent Enough To Steal Trinkets, But Foolish Enough To Think Material Goods Will Solve Problems - The Onion

Goertz revealed that their findings had also indicated several species of crow were capable of mimicking human speech without understanding that sometimes it’s best to just sit back and listen.

Trump Props Up Trapper Keeper Around Campaign Plan To Prevent Kamala From Copying - Babylon Bee

According to sources, a representative from the Federal Election Commission (FEC) gave Harris a stern warning and told her to get back to work. Kamala Harris’s eyes darted quickly back to her notes — a blank piece of paper with the heading “My Presidential Plan” written at the top.

Kamala Explains 93% Of Staff Quit Because They Couldn’t Handle The Joy - Babylon Bee

“They quit because they are literally overdosing on joy,” Harris explained. “Almost no one on earth can stand being around this much joy for more than a few weeks. It’s my cross to bear.”

Philosopher’s Friends Constantly Pitching Him Ideas For Dilemmas - The Onion

Honestly, everybody thinks they can be a philosopher, but just because something metaphysically resonant happened to you doesn’t mean it would make a good dilemma.

The goal of evil is to divide, separate, isolate, shame, destroy.

The goal of Christ is to heal and unite, to harmonize in love.

And that’s the great battle that’s always underway.

- Fr. Boniface Hicks, OSB

I’m ‘bout to have a good day.

My favorite morning sky.

The End Of His Prime: This Man No Longer Has The Fertile Imagination And Boundless Creative Energy To Build His Own Subway Sandwich And Has To Order From The Regular Menu - Clickhole

“Let’s face it, building your own sandwich is a young man’s game, and I’m just not young anymore.”

After Two Weeks With Kamala, Tim Walz Announces He Has Signed Back Up With National Guard And Requested Deployment To Iraq - Babylon Bee

Though leaving the ticket after only two weeks, campaign staffers report that Walz actually set the record for the longest time any person has ever worked with Kamala.

Taliban Holds Parade In Honor Of Kamala’s Achievements In Afghanistan - Babylon Bee

“We could never have become this strong without Kamala Harris,” said Taliban spokesterrorist Hassan Al-Samir. “Though we were once a rag-tag band of goat herders causing trouble in the mountains, we are now a fully equipped military force. Thank you, Joe Biden and Kamala Harris. You helped make us what we are today.”

Ruled By Fear: This Man Irrationally Refuses To Fly Despite There Being Almost Zero Chance He Would Ever Wind Up In A Sixth Plane Crash - Clickhole

Accidents like the five that have befallen Semple are so rare, in fact, that it’s actually far more likely that he’ll be struck by lightning than it is that he’ll once more hear that now-familiar whine of an aircraft he’s on plummeting from the sky.

Taylor Swift Jet Launches Retaliatory Strike On ISIS Stronghold - Babylon Bee

At publishing time, sources revealed Swift had already begun writing an upcoming song to take further revenge on the terrorists.

Can’t Be Good: The Bus Driver Is Currently On A Zoom Call, Not Like A Friend Catch Up Or Anything, Like An All-Hands Meeting For An Entirely Different Job - Clickhole

She just shared her screen to show everyone else a spreadsheet and now she’s going on and on about P functions, which has to be illegal if you’re also driving a bus full of 25 people.

I’ve spent the last four years putting together a pretty awesome knife collection. I’m thinking about challenging myself to carry a different one each day and review it here on my blog.

It’s been a long nine days.