Chet Collins

It’s going to be a good day.

The Babylon Bee Editorial Board Endorses Kamala Harris For President - Babylon Bee

In 2020, the Babylon Bee famously endorsed “Dave” for President, discovering only later that Dave was a role played by actor Kevin Kline in a movie that hit the box office in 1993. This year, we resolved to endorse an actual person, and that person is Kamala Harris.

Great movie. 🍿

Joe Rogan Interviews Former McDonald’s Fry Cook - Babylon Bee

The since-retired McDonald’s employee, named Donald, had just days ago been photographed serving up French fries at a Philadelphia drive-through. Incredibly, less than a week later, the former fry cook had landed a spot on the most downloaded podcast in the world.

Trump Accused Of Inappropriately Touching The Hearts Of Millions Of Americans - Babylon Bee

The latest scandal threatened to impact the upcoming presidential election, as millions of accusers from every state began to pour in. Victims of all ages and from across the socio-economic spectrum claimed to have been truly touched by Trump.

Democrats Explain Trump Was Going To Be Hitler During His First Term, But He Forgot - Babylon Bee

According to retired General John Kelly, former President Trump often talked about how he kept meaning to find time to be Hitler, but he kept getting distracted by other things. “On several occasions, Trump told me word for word, ‘This is it. This is the week I’m going to go be Hitler.’ But then, Trump would get started doing something like handing out candy to Minions and he would completely forget,” explained Kelly.

Next time I need a lock for a gate, I will buy an outdoor rated lock. That way I won’t end up spending $75 for the locksmith to remove a $10 lock again.

🔒

Kamala Harris’s Pitch to Black Men - WSJ Opinion

The Vice President claims to follow the science, but she ignores the growing evidence about marijuana’s mental, physical and social harms. It is especially damaging to young people whose brains are still developing. Many black communities in California have opposed pot dispensaries in their neighborhoods because they don’t want their young people on dope.

Tips For Saving Money On Groceries - The Onion

Hire a private investigator to take photographs of Kroger cashiers in compromising situations that you can use to blackmail them during checkout. 

Big changes coming at work, re-thinking everything. Checked out Arc after hearing about it for months. This is so good!

Couple Denied Marriage License After Failing To Prove Love Beyond Reasonable Doubt - The Onion

Judge Luther Hanscom, whose ruling found insufficient grounds to suggest Fields and Garcia’s bond was meant to last forever, concluding it was plausible they were participants in nothing more than a simple fling.

Time to eat.

A Pop Star Wanted the Filibuster Dead. Democrats Are Still Trying to Kill It. - WSJ

It wasn’t a topic Senate Democrats were expecting musician John Legend to ask them about. But during a 2019 donor event held at Legend’s California home, the pop star pressed lawmakers on how they would actually pass the policies they were proposing—given the hurdle of the Senate filibuster. That rule requires 60 votes for most bills to advance, rather than a simple majority, and Legend wanted Democrats to end it.

I’m sure John Legend spent years thinking deeply about the practical implications of this rule change. After all, Celebrity = Genius.

Sunrise over the lake.

Let’s fly.

Exclusive | U.S. Port Workers Agree to End Their Strike - WSJ

President Biden applauded the agreement, saying in a statement, “Collective bargaining works, and it is critical to building a stronger economy from the middle out and the bottom up.”

My guess is the terminals and shipping lines will eat the 62% increase in their labor cost and it definitely won’t show up in the form of higher prices on the few consumer goods that are transported by boat.

Rainy afternoon.

9 Great Investments To Help You Survive A Kamala Harris Administration - Babylon Bee

Jewish beeper company: Business is booming for these guys.

Dawn Unveils New Small Silver Bell For Summoning Butler To Deal With Dishes - The Onion

Protect your soft, supple hands from the curse of labor and never again strain your voice while shouting for your manservant. Give the Dawn bell a dainty shake and consider the dishes done.

Adding this to my Christmas list.

In Brief Moment Of Lucidity, Biden Endorses Trump - Babylon Bee

The stunning incident was the first momentary instance of Biden showing any sense of clarity, coherence, and good judgment, as he paused to put on a “TRUMP 2024” baseball cap during a campaign stop at a local fire station.