‘We Applaud Caesar For Doing The Right Thing And Stepping Down,’ Says Senator Holding Bloody Knife - Babylon Bee

Cassius and his fellow senator Marcus Junius Brutus, who were both present at a hastily organized retirement party for Caesar, said that the former Emperor who had not been seen for the last six days displayed “true patriotism” in selflessly bowing out.

Activision Announces Release Of ‘Call Of Duty: Moderately Sloped Roof’ - Babylon Bee

“This is the most difficult, extreme campaign we have ever made,” said Masterson. “You have to literally crawl on your tummy up a slight slope and not fall down. Then, you have roughly twenty minutes to line up your shot. I’m light-headed just talking about it.”

Dems Pull Off Successful Insurrection - Babylon Bee

According to sources, Democratic party elites have worked tirelessly to overthrow the candidate chosen by voters, using everything from donation boycotts to blackmail. “It took everything we have, but we have deposed the democratically elected candidate of our party,” said former President Obama proudly. “Democracy has been saved.”

Barack Obama Strikes Again - WSJ Opinion

As No. 2 in the Biden White House, Ms. Harris was in a key position to witness the president’s decline. Yet she too was happy to keep it from the American people. Now she asks them to trust her with the presidency?

Everyone in the room has an obligation to explain their conduct on this point.

Another Coronation for Kamala - WSJ Opinion

Ms. Harris said on Sunday that she intends to “earn” her party’s nomination. That would be a change for a politician who’s floated to the top in a one-party Democratic state with powerful patrons boosting her. The upshot has been that she has neither the substantive record nor the skills that other candidates might.

She has a real shot at winning in November, but her soup-to-nuts uncontested ascent poses very real risks.

Splish, splash

‘Let’s Settle This At The Ballot Box,’ Says Party That Tried To Kick Trump Off Ballots - Babylon Bee

“Let me be perfectly clear,” said President Biden. “The idea that political violence, look, this is America, and there is no place for semi-assault, automatic weapons in our – well, anyway. In November, we will sort things out at the battle box!”

Goliath Claims He Only Lost Because He Fought David On Slightly Sloped Surface - Babylon Bee

According to the scroll, the Israelites were quick to point out that the hill David was standing on only had a five-degree slope. The Philistines, however, vehemently maintained that it wasn’t a fair fight because it violated safety rules for Goliath to try to fight on any sort of inclined terrain.

At publishing time, another portion of the scroll revealed Goliath explaining that he was just one quick head turn away from David’s sling causing nothing but a scratched ear.

Quarantining the Conspiracy Swamps - WSJ Opinion

Mr. Biden was employing a metaphor, however inapt given our current political distemper. He wasn’t giving orders to anyone to shoot Mr. Trump, and if he wanted to do so he wouldn’t do it in public. Mr. Collins is among those who think Mr. Biden lacks the mental acuity to be President, but he then accuses him of masterminding a conspiracy.

The Shooting of Donald Trump - WSJ Opinion

The near assassination of Donald Trump could be a moment that catalyzes more hatred and an even worse cycle of violence. If that is how it goes, God help us.

Or it could be a redemptive moment that leads to introspection and political debate that is fierce but not cast as Armageddon. The country was spared the worst on Saturday and this is a chance to pull out of a partisan death spiral. That is the leadership Americans are desperate to see.

Dinner in a food hall

The world is a dangerous place.

The trend towards a full-blown gerontocracy is deeply troubling. The American voter is more concerned with getting their team into power than what’s best for the country.

The President is largely incoherent, Mitch McConnell freezes, John Fetterman had a stroke on the campaign trail and was elected very early in his recovery, and Rep. Jennifer Wexford has a severe neurological condition that has taken away her speech.

We cannot regain our youth or our health, and there’s great dignity and maturity in acknowledging those sobering thoughts.

The business of protecting the free world and governing the world’s preeminent democracy takes serious people who are leaders in their field and at the top of their game. Safeguarding our liberty requires nothing less.

Biden Accidentally Introduces Ukraine’s Zelensky as ‘President Putin’ - WSJ

“Now I want to hand it over to the President of Ukraine, who has as much courage as he has determination, ladies and gentlemen, President Putin,” Biden said. He quickly corrected himself: “President Putin? He’s going to beat President Putin. President Zelensky. I’m so focused on beating Putin, we’ve gotta worry about it.”

I just opened the Voice Memos app and found years old recordings of my infant daughters laughing.

It made me smile.

Janet Yellen Reassures Nation That Biden’s Dementia Is Transitory - Babylon Bee

Yellen’s statement was endorsed by several White House insiders, including Jill Biden, Hunter Biden, Ashley Biden, James Biden, and Valerie Biden Owens.

Dozens of planes fly over us everyday without our noticing, flying to destinations near and far. It’s a small rhythm of life that occurs, often without our knowing.

Frequently, I’ll pull up the FlightRadar24 to see what kind of plane it is, and where it’s heading. Many of these planes are on international trips, starting or ending a ridiculously long trip.

Regardless, of the destination, hundreds of people are sitting on an airplane just a few miles above my head. That is an amazing thing to contemplate.

How Biden’s Inner Circle Worked to Keep Signs of Aging Under Wraps - WSJ

In April, Murray, the high-ranking senator from Washington state, told the Journal that she hadn’t seen a change in Biden’s acuity during years of meeting with him. “He engages in a very personal way, asking questions, making comments,” she said.

On Monday, Murray said in a statement that Biden should consider his legacy in deciding whether to remain in the race: “We need to see a much more forceful and energetic candidate on the campaign trail in the very near future in order for him to convince voters he is up to the job.”

WSJ published a widely-critized feature on June 4th with the headline, Behind Closed Doors, Biden Shows Signs of Slipping. The very next day, Politico published an article on the fall-out, Biden Team Seeths Over Another Age Piece - and Sours on The Journal.

In the Politico piece, Nancy Pelosi and Sen. Murray were, “quick to say that their on-the-record rebuttals did not make it into The Journal’s final piece. Murray said in an interview she spoke to the paper twice.”

In the span of four weeks, Sen. Murray has gone from ridiculing those who dared question Biden’s mental acquity to publicly, and politely, suggesting that he get lost.

Biden to Congressional Democrats: I’m ‘Running This Race to the End’ - WSJ

President Biden dug in Monday, telling a broad array of Democrats that he was committed to “running this race to the end” and that it was time for conversations about changing nominees to stop, as concerns about his candidacy grew louder.

Didn’t they get the memo? If you’re against Joe, you’re an enemy of democracy!

White House press secretary Karine Jean-Pierre was pressed repeatedly Monday on why an expert on Parkinson’s disease visited the White House eight times from July 2023 to March of this year, according to visitor logs. She said Biden has seen a neurologist three times as part of three annual physicals—most recently in February—and that there has been no finding of Parkinson’s. But she would not address or explain the Parkinson’s expert’s visits and cited privacy reasons.

He had a Groupon for White House tours.

ABC News' exclusive interview with Biden: Full transcript

PRESIDENT JOE BIDEN: I’ll feel as long as I gave it my all and I did the good as job as I know I can do, that’s what this is about. (emphasis added)

I’m not sure that’s better than, “goodest job.”

My greatest fear about the future of drone delivery is what happens when the pregnant women find out.

Andrea Lawful-Sanders, WURD Radio part ways after she used questions provided by Biden’s campaign - CBS Philadelphia

A Biden administration official told CBS News Saturday that the White House was not involved in any preparation for the two radio interviews. The official added that providing questions to interviewers is not standard practice for the White House, and the campaign is not planning to do it again going forward.

Not involved in any preparation, except for preparing the exact questions? And they’re not planning to do it again, so they did do it already?

These Men Are on the Front Lines of the Abortion-Rights Movement - WSJ

“The whole point of our organization is to get guys who are passively pro-choice but would not speak up, show up, donate—to get them to do those things,” said Florida-based Deputy Executive Director Aaron Bos-Lun. “It is the role of men to be additive, it isn’t the role of men to be dictating when it comes to reproductive freedom.”

Men advocating for abortion is not additive; it’s self-serving.