Chet Collins

To Cover Rising Costs, Hunter Now Charging 15% For The Big Guy - Babylon Bee

At publishing time, Hunter offered to sweeten the deal with the CCP by adding a pile of classified documents from the junk drawer.

I have 50 unread emails.

Not great.

U.S. Air Defenses Failed to Spot Earlier Chinese Balloon Intrusions, General Says - WSJ

“This gave us the opportunity to assess what they were actually doing, what kind of capabilities existed on the balloon, what kind of transmission capabilities existed,” Gen. VanHerck added. “I think you’ll see in the future that that timeframe was well worth its value to collect over.”

Job well done, then!

China Assures Warships Heading For Taiwan Are Just Meteorological Warships - Babylon Bee

“We have learned much about the weather in Hong Kong, and now it’s time to study Taiwan. The Chinese Communist Party appreciates America’s patience while we battle climate change, one country at a time.”

Biden Says He’ll Shoot Down Chinese Spy Balloon As Soon As He’s Done Letting It Spy - Babylon Bee

At publishing time, Eric Swalwell had been seen approaching the spy balloon and asking for its number.

The Market Tanked, but Americans Kept Piling Money Into Their 401(k)s - WSJ

About 90% of investors in the 401(k)-style retirement plans administered by Vanguard Group maintained or increased their savings rate in 2022. And trading activity fell to a two-decade low among participants who manage their own investments

Long-term investors love a good sale.

A Consumption Tax Is the Shock Our Broken System Needs - WSJ Opinion

Others complain that the rate will be high. An effective 30% consumption tax, added to state sales taxes as high as 10%, could add up to a 40% or greater rate. But taxes overall must finance what the government spends. Collecting it in one tax rather than lots of smaller taxes doesn’t change the overall rate. It’s better for voters to see how much the government takes.

This is a really good point. We’re lulled to sleep with a myriad of nickel and dime taxes. Added together, the bill would shock every taxpayer.

Biden Shows Off New Electric Car That Can Hold Over 17 Boxes Of Classified Documents - Babylon Bee

“I can get all of these top-secret files to my beach house on a single charge! Not a joke!” said Biden, cruising up Pennsylvania Avenue. “Wait, weren’t there eighteen boxes? Eh, who cares. Who wants ice cream??” President Biden drove the car as part of his climate initiative, hoping to encourage everyday Americans to purchase $100,000 electric vehicles.

Biden Administration to Propose Rule to Lower Credit-Card Late Fees - WSJ

“Many Americans believe these fees are just plain wrong,” CFPB director Rohit Chopra said Tuesday in a preview of the late-fee proposal.

Except they haven’t voted with their wallets and switched cards or traded out for debit. So now the government is going to get involved in this private contract and “help?” It’s just moving the pea.

Biden Proposes End to Moral Exemption for Birth-Control Coverage - WSJ

The Biden administration proposed an end to an exemption allowing health plans to exclude coverage of no-cost birth control on moral grounds

Isn’t having a Catholic president so wonderful?

This proposal leaves religious objections in tact (for now), but bears the same level of contempt for anyone who dares question the technocrats.

Local Church Turns To Robo-Greeters To Combat Volunteer Shortage - Babylon Bee

At publishing time, attendance at the Cornerstone Calvary Community Congregation City Church had seen a bump in the demographic of boys age 5-13

I’m owed a refund, but the IRS tried to charge me a $7 underpayment on estimated payments penalty.

I had the data to support the annualized method, so the penalty went away.

Still, there’s a penalty for underpaying the taxes that you don’t owe?

Biden Claps In Amazement After FBI Agent Pulls Classified Document From Behind His Ear - The Onion

At press time, sources confirmed the federal officer had responded to the president’s calls for an encore by pulling a pair of handcuffs from his sleeve.

The State Wealth-Tax Alliance - WSJ Opinion

Including federal levies, this means politicians would take half of every dollar in investment earnings. You take all the risk, the politicians get half the gain. The legislators say their plans will fund social spending, but they have a specific recipient in mind. The multistate launch was coordinated by Fund Our Future, an advocacy group affiliated with the American Federation of Teachers. As usual, public unions are pushing the progressive lawmakers they fund to tap new streams of tax revenue so they can get bigger salaries and pensions.

Taxing to share expenses is one thing; taxing out of envy is quite another.

McCarthy Kicks Two Democrats Off House Intelligence Panel - WSJ

“I think it’s just another body blow to the institution of Congress that he is behaving this way, but it shows just how weak he is as a speaker that he has to give in to the most extreme elements of this conference,” Mr. Schiff said on Tuesday.

I wonder where the Speaker got this bizarre idea that he could make committee assignments for the Minority.

White House Proudly Hangs ‘1 Day Without Classified Documents Discovered At President’s House’ Sign - Babylon Bee

Sources in Washington confirmed there will be a ceremony and a few remarks by the President this evening to celebrate the occasion. The ceremony will include some classified documents cake and some classified documents origami displays followed by a special reading of the classified documents.

I will never understand people who pump gas while their car is running.

Banks Plan Payment Wallet to Compete With PayPal, Apple Pay - WSJ

Wells Fargo & Co., Bank of America Corp., JPMorgan Chase & Co. and four other banks are working on a new product that will allow shoppers to pay at merchants’ online checkout with a wallet that will be linked to their debit and credit cards.

These banks are really good at spending money making duplicative products that are much worse and used by no one.

Amazon to Wind Down Charity-Donation Program AmazonSmile - WSJ

“After almost a decade, the program has not grown to create the impact that we had originally hoped,” Amazon said in an email to customers enrolled in the program.

Perhaps if they hadn’t appointed Ebenezer Scrooge to design the program, they’d have reached their goals.

Customers had to opt-in, then use the smile.amazon.com URL every single time they shopped. For this extensive effort, Amazon would generously reward the charity of choice with $0.50 per $100 spent.

Hard to believe this program made so little impact in a decade of operation.

the average donation for a charity in the U.S. last year was less than $230.

The Power of “Pre-Day” Journaling - Day One

Pre-day is the early morning before the rest of the world wakes up. It’s one of the quietest times of day, allowing your mind to breathe, think, process emotion, and prime your mental state to thrive in the coming hours. 

Man Pops Car Hood, Thus Exhausting His Knowledge Of How Cars Work - Babylon Bee

A neighbor stopped by after seeing the open car hood and offered assistance by standing next to Snodgram and staring at the clicking engine. He then went the extra mile by suggesting they close the hood and lift it again to see if that would help. It did not.