Golfer Buys New Driver So He Can Hit The Ball Farther Into The Woods - Babylon Bee

Jefferson O’Malley recently purchased a $1,000 driver that would “totally fix his game.” Sources confirm that the club has indeed improved his ability, as he can now hit the ball an additional 30-40 yards farther into the woods.

Biden Plan Would Return Student Loan Borrowers in Default to Good Standing - WSJ

“Access to federal student aid can provide a pathway for additional education, which can help these borrowers compete in the job market and ultimately improve their ability to fully repay their loans, among other benefits,” said Richard Cordray, chief operating officer for Federal Student Aid, in a press release.

This is disingenuous. First, the best indicator of a borrower’s future ability to repay is their repayment history. That’s the theory that our entire financial system. So putting defaulted borrowers in a position to borrow more and dig a deeper hole is harmful to the borrower. Second, Cordray knows that the Dept. of Education is going to do everything in its power to make sure that most borrowers don’t have to fully repay their loans.

Toyota Executive Warns EVs Face Obstacles to Wider Adoption - WSJ

“I don’t think the market is ready for what the rhetoric is saying,” Mr. Hollis said.

And it’s going to be incredibly painful for car makers and shareholders if this bet on the farm sours.

Catholics Unveil High-Capacity Assault Rosary - Babylon Bee

Sources indicate many were able to use an advanced telescopic sight to aim thoughts and prayers at friends and family up to 400 yards away. Swiss Guards deployed in Vatican City have advised Catholics not to aim the new rosary at anyone they do not wish to bless.

Overweight Man Reassures Doctor That His 8.5% Weight Inflation Is No Longer A Problem As His Weight Inflation This Month Is 0 - Babylon Bee

“In fact, my doctor was expecting my weight gain to be up by 8.7%, but boy did I prove him wrong! My weight gain is only up 8.5% for the year. So take that, Doc!” Derrick added enthusiastically. “So I don’t want to hear any more complaining about my size or concerns for my health — I’ve clearly got this problem solved.”

Son’s alligator.

Brian Stelter to Leave CNN After Cancellation of ‘Reliable Sources’ - WSJ

Brian Stelter, the host of CNN’s Sunday morning show “Reliable Sources,” is leaving the network following the cancellation of the long-running media news show, the network said Thursday.

I’m all about giving people an opportunity to grow into their role, but after 2 years it should’ve been clear that this dude doesn’t have the right stuff.

Google Workers Press Company to Stop Collecting Abortion Data - WSJ

The petition, signed by more than 650 workers, also called on the company to remove search results for crisis pregnancy centers, which it said were misleading to those seeking abortions. Crisis pregnancy centers are typically nonprofits that counsel women against having abortions.

Google: yup, we’re evil now!

Cheney, Trump and the GOP - WSJ Opinion

GOP voters can hate what happened on Jan. 6 but also dislike the tactics of a committee that excluded Republicans who might have cross-examined witnesses.

Nice to have a clean desk.

Producers Confirm Liz Cheney Will Not Be Back For Season 2 Of January 6 Hearings - Babylon Bee

“It’s been my honor to serve the people of Wyoming by spending my every waking minute fighting Donald Trump, just like Abraham Lincoln did,” said Cheney. “I look forward to a bright future living off of book advances and scoring a pundit position at MSNBC.”

Biden Signs Bill Aimed at Lowering Drug Costs, Boosting Renewable Energy - WSJ

Mr. Biden’s approval ratings have been dragged down by months of high inflation

Thankfully we now have the Inflation Reduction Act to save us! In 2027, when these measures kick in, we’ll have inflation licked!

Joe Biden to Sign Bill Aimed at Lowering Drug Costs, Boosting Renewable Energy - WSJ

Mr. Biden is planning to sign the bill at the White House on Tuesday

Announcement of massive student loan cancellation to follow.

Record Numbers of Migrants Cross Southern Border, on Track for Annual Total of Two Million - WSJ

In July, agents arrested about 182,000 migrants crossing the border illegally, with about two-thirds of those arrested being single adults. About 22% of those arrested involved repeat border crossers.

That’s a new Grand Rapids, MI. Every single month.

And that’s only the folks that get caught.

Brand New Tactical Knife Is The Same One Used By Navy SEALs To Open Their Wives' Amazon Packages - Babylon Bee

The Boxer MK 4 features a 3" stainless steel blade that flips closed for compact concealment and features a handle with aluminum scales underneath rubber rivets for maximum comfort. The blade itself is coated black to reduce reflectiveness if you wish to open packages stealthily.

Shout-out to the tactical knife bros.

Restaurant is almost completely empty.

The wait is 10 minutes.

Um, what?

My foray and finale in cabinetry.

Angel Outside Trump’s Empty Safe Tells FBI Agents, ‘Behold! The Document You Seek Is Not Here!’ - Babylon Bee

The FBI reported the incident to the FBI Director and Attorney General, who paid the agents to keep silent on the matter and instead tell everyone that Trump’s disciples came by night and stole the documents while everyone slept.

Gamers Eagerly Await The Release Of ‘Call Of Duty: IRS Auditor’ - Babylon Bee

As you gain experience you can outfit your agent with new calculators and weapons as you work toward tackling more dangerous assignments like auditing the estate of Nicolas Cage or Donald Trump.

To Restore Trust With Americans, FBI Names New Director Burt Macklin - Babylon Bee

“Burt Macklin, you’ve done it again,” said Burt Macklin with a smirk while putting on his aviator glasses at a public press conference. “You all thought I was dead, didn’t you? Well, so did the President’s enemies. But now I’m back and on the case!”

House Passes Democrats’ Climate, Healthcare and Tax Package - WSJ

“This is a substantive policy achievement,” said House Ways and Means Committee Chairman Richard Neal (D., Mass.).

Nice of Congress to come back from vacation to quickly pass an immediate tax increase on every single American worker. The heaviest burden (+3.1%) of new taxes under this bill goes to filers who make less than $10,000 a year.

Their policies made you poorer by fueling inflation and distorting supply and demand. Real wages are down more than 3% after inflation, and now they’re back to pick your pockets again!

Now let’s go out there and have a great weekend!

Mr. Biden said the measure would lower costs for prescription drugs, healthcare and energy. “Today, the American people won. Special interests lost,” he said in a tweet after passage.

Unless you’re the Hedge Fund manager special interest, in which case, slam dunk victory!!!

Equifax Should Face Curbs on Selling Credit Scores, Maxine Waters Says - WSJ

We are working closely with our customers on this issue and stand behind our customers and impacted consumers.

Direct quote from Equifax CEO. Note that “customers” and “consumers” are two distinct groups. That’s because the credit bureaus build profiles of data on us, without consent, and then sell our data to their customers, financial institutions. We’re not the customer, we’re the product.

Still waiting on my settlement from 2017 when these bozos got hacked and didn’t notice for months.

10 Ways To Avoid Getting Audited By One Of The 87,000 New IRS Agents - Babylon Bee

If the IRS says they’re going to audit you, just say ‘no thanks’: You’ll be surprised how often this works.