Are You At A Nursing Home Or The U.S. Senate Chamber? 9 Clues To Look For - Babylon Bee

Nursing Home: Residents call out “Bingo!” to win money Senate: Residents call out “Aye!” to spend your money

MAGA Republicans Convene In Underground Lair To Turn Planet’s Heat Dial Up Three More Notches - Babylon Bee

The evil horde of MAGA supporters exploded into another round of malicious celebration as they all agreed to once again make the weather just slightly warmer than normal for this time of year.

What happens when children are left unattended with the dog.

Trump Indicted For Murder Of Tupac - Babylon Bee

Authorities now believe Trump fired a Glock .40-caliber pistol from the backseat of a white Cadillac while also somehow driving it.

Justice never rests.

Trump Campaign Hoping To Lock Up GOP Nomination With Third Indictment - Babylon Bee

“KEEP THESE FABRICATED INDICTMENTS COMING,” Trump said in a post to his Truth Social account. “THESE INDICTMENTS GIVE ME STRENGTH. I EAT THEM FOR BREAKFAST WITH MY EGG MCMUFFINS. THEY NOURISH ME. NOM NOM NOM! FEED ME MORE! MAGA!”

FDA Acknowledges Harm of Oral Contraceptives While Its Own Panel of Advisors Push to Make Drug Available Without Prescription - USCCB

Fertility is a gift, not a disease. Contraceptives exist to suppress the healthy functions of human reproduction. The mounting evidence of the many harmful side effects of hormonal contraceptives demonstrates that they are not good medicine.

Paying Student Loans Again Could Feel Like a 5% Pay Cut - WSJ

Yannelis and his co-authors found that from April 2020 to November 2022, borrowers whose payments were paused took on 3%, or $1,200, more in credit-card, mortgage and auto-loan debt than borrowers whose payments weren’t on hiatus.

The government is very good at helping people with its brilliant programs and plans.

EPA Launches Green Bank for Climate Funding in Low-Income Areas - WSJ

This cash is seen as critical for funding key areas such as battery storage, electric-car charging and building upgrades that often struggle to attract private-sector funding, particularly in low-income areas.

$27B to build EV chargers in poor neighborhoods?

Scholars Believe Explosive Growth Of The Early Church Was Due To Christians Being Allowed To Eat Bacon - Babylon Bee

“Save yourselves from this crooked generation! Believe in Jesus, the Messiah! And also, I had a dream last week and we can totally eat bacon now!” said Peter in one of his recently discovered early sermons given in a Jewish synagogue.

CPI Report Shows Inflation Eased to 3% in June - WSJ

So-called core consumer prices, which excludes volatile food and energy categories, rose 4.8%

I’ve loved this magic! Media and politicos each month review the difference between core and consumer price index inflation, then trumpet whichever value is lower.

How do we measure inflation? By whichever value makes us look the best!

They Had Great Credit Scores. Then They Retired - WSJ

living on a fixed income and paying off old loans can lower a score, said Ethan Dornhelm, vice president of scores and analytics at FICO.

Deleveraging is a significant credit risk in the funhouse mirror world of FICO logic.

Income and employment data aren’t included in the calculation, but credit scores do reward borrowers for having a mix of different kinds of loans, which can hurt those who have already paid off mortgages and auto loans.

They don’t care about your assets, liquidity, or employment status. It only matters that you have a nice, fat portfolio of debt and that you play by their rulebook which, by the way, you’re not allowed to read because it’s “proprietary.”

Embarrassing: Scientist Invents Lab-Grown Beef Only To Realize Cows Exist - Babylon Bee

“I’m all set to announce to the world that we invented beef, when all of a sudden, it dawns on me - cows are beef. There are literally huge slabs of beef walking all over the place. I’m such an idiot.”

Hottest Days Ever? Don’t Believe It - WSJ Opinion

It isn’t plausible to characterize Earth’s warming in a single average number, especially when we don’t really know what that number is today, much less from 125,000 years ago.

Millions of People Booted From Medicaid After Pandemic - WSJ

Enrollment in the health program for the low-income and disabled grew to 95 million during the pandemic, as states stopped checking to make sure people were eligible. Now states have started checking again, and more than 1.6 million people have been kicked off the program in the past three months

Um, they weren’t eligible, so why the outrage? They maintained benefits that they were not entitled to, and we’re supposed to feel bad for them now that they’ve been caught?

It’s a safety net, not a hammock.

Banks’ Newest Fed Headache: Nonstop Instant Payments - WSJ

Under an existing system called ACH (automated clearinghouse), transactions typically take several days to settle. That can be frustrating for those waiting to receive their funds but often benefits banks that use the money in the interim.

It’s long past time for instant payments. Rather gouche that we sit around waiting for our money, while the banks get to continue to play with something that isn’t theirs.